okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
