Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
