dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
