i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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