not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
