No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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