Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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