I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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