she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
