can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
