I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
