there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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