how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
