Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
