The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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