So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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