i already hear my dad disowning me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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