i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
