alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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