Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
