none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
