I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
