I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
