Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
