i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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