just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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