DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
