I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
