I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
