i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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