so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
