what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
