The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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