Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
