I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
