my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
