and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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