I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
