I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
