I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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