god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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