I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
