I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
