the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
