you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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