You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
