it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
