did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
