Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
