Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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