Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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