Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
